05/06/2013

Mac is still hanging on. I don’t know why I am continuously surprised by the sheer strength and determination of such a little person. We have had to significantly increase the number and dosage of his pain medications. Even the smallest of movements cause him to moan in pain. Today we had oxygen delivered since his numbers were down. The nurse advised me this would not prolong things, just keep him more comfortable. I thought when the decision to bring him home on hospice was made that it was the most difficult thing I had ever done. Now as I sit next to him, holding his hand, watching him struggle to breath, wither away to nothing and cry in pain I realize THIS is the hardest thing I have ever done. The scariest part of knowing that is the realization that this is NOTHING compared to having to learn to live without him here with us every day. Liam was the first person to teach me what unconditional love felt like. Mac was the one who taught me how to just enjoy every moment of life, regardless of who was watching. He would break out into a dance anywhere and everywhere, he wore costumes year round and he pushed every button in me at one point or another just because he knew he could. To see him so lifeless and unable to communicate is breaking my heart more and more with each day. I pray for a peaceful transition for him and the ability to make it through this devastating experience and come out the other side with the ability to still be a good mom for Liam.