As January 17th approaches, I have been reflecting
on all that has happened this last year. I will never forget the look on the
doctors face in the ER when he came in, turned off the tv, closed the door, stood
over Mac sedated in the bed, placed his hand on my shoulder and said “These are
words I never want to say to parents. Mac has a very large mass growing on his
brain.” The next couple of weeks went by
in a haze. I remember watching Mac sleep with bandages on his head, a breathing
tube, catheter, and his arms strapped to the bed. He looked so small. Then the pathology
report came in. Through tears the doctor explained Mac had Stage IV,
Glioblastoma Multiforme and that the prognosis was not good. I cannot even
explain the fear in the pit of my stomach or the anger in my heart when I heard
those words. Then we met with Doctor Wolff. He explained what he had planned
for Mac and treatment. Billy asked the question I was too afraid to ask. How
much time did we have with him? His doctor explained he could not possible
begin to say because every person is different. All he could give us were
statistics and generalizations. He told us the mean or average lifespan for
this type of tumor from diagnosis is 2 years.
Over the past year my fear still exists, but most of the
anger is gone. I believe in my heart I will have more than one more year with
him because quite frankly our family does not work without him. I have learned
so much from him in this past year and have said before how honored I am to be
his mom, but he really is one of the most remarkable people I have ever met. He
has a quiet and compassionate soul and faces each new obstacle with courage and
grace. He is the person I hope to be someday.
Now I now must just put my trust in God’s plan and pray it
is the same as mine. I also pray that someday our government will see that they
have the power to change the horrifying statistics of Childhood Cancer. I thank
God for all of the support we have received from so many and hope to have a New
Year filled with more good days than bad and more laughter than tears.
Happy New Year to you all!
Hi Becky,
ReplyDeleteI wish you could see what the rest of us see in you. You are an amazing person, going through the most difficult thing that anyone would have to face. We may not witness the high-high's and the low-low's, but sharing your thoughts so candidly in this blog offers us the front row view of the true, raw emotions that you're experiencing.
I hope that someday you are able to revisit your entries and see that through it all - the good, the bad, and the ugly - that you've come back another day to share Mac's battle with us. You're facing your fears head on, and documenting it along the way, sharing it with others. I hope that helps to offer you some solace in some way. Even just by getting out the words, instead of letting them just sit inside.
Hang in there. Own every emotion that you have. We love you, we support you, and we won't let you go through this alone.
Here is hoping for a new year where the good far outweighs the bad.
Love,
Carragh