Well, it appears another Christmas had come and gone. I had
a great day staying home with the boys and just relaxing. Although, to be
honest, I was just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I never got
around to putting our outdoor lights up, half of my decorations never made it
out of the boxes, and once the boys finished unwrapping their gifts from Santa
I was ready to take down the tree. I’m not real sure why I am so anxious to get
back to our “regular” life or why this year I never really felt like it was
Christmas. Something just seems to be missing and I’m not sure what it is. It
could be that Christmas is full of magic and excitement because of the way kids
experience it. It may just be my perception, but it seems some of that “magic”
is missing this year because of all my boys of seen and experienced. They have had their whole lives turned inside
out and had to deal with depression, fear of loss, and the day to day side
effects of cancer treatments that no children should ever have to deal with.
As we enter the New Year I will continue to try to take each
day as it comes. January is historically a difficult time with the 15th
being the 2nd Anniversary of Papa’s passing and the 17th
is the 1 year anniversary of our trip to the ER at the Floating Hospital which
began this journey. We have learned so much that we could have lived happy
lives without knowing this past year. So much has changed who we are as
individuals and as a family. We are forever grateful for each day together, but
I still long for those “pre-cancer” days when my heart didn’t stop with each
cough or pain Mac experiences or the sadness I see so often in Liam’s eyes.
Tomorrow we head back into the clinic for counts and a
check-up. Tomorrow I will see many of the faces of childhood cancer who have
forever touched my heart. Tomorrow I will cry again for all the carefree
childhood memories that were stolen from my boys and so many others. Tomorrow I
will again begin to work towards making this world a better place for these
children.
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