Tuesday is the BIG day around here, the first day of school.
Both boys will have teachers they already know which makes the transition a
little easier. I had the opportunity to sit down with Mac’s teacher and
principal on Friday to talk a little bit about his special needs as he
transitions back into school. Any anxiety I had was quickly put to rest after
speaking with them. The whole St. Margaret School community has gone above and
beyond to make sure both boys have everything they need to be successful in the
upcoming year. We will continue to take
it one day at a time since there is no road map of what to expect from Mac or
Liam.
Although I am excited for them to start the new year and try
to get back some normalcy in their lives I am a little nervous for myself. I
think about how this time last year I was putting the final preparations
together for my own classroom and looking forward to meeting my class. Once
school starts I will have a lot of free time on my hands. It seems now whenever
I have a few minutes at home alone I use them to get my emotions out and cry. I
just do not want to be overcome by this sadness for all that Mac and Liam have
lost over the last 8 months. I would
never choose this life for myself or anyone else but feel like as long as I do
not live “angry” all the time I can get by. I just hate this life for my boys.
They deserve so much better. They deserve to always have “good days” like most
7 and 9 year olds. They deserve to have a mother who doesn’t smile to hold back
her tears every day. They deserve to
have a family that can talk about plans for a future without a black cloud
hovering over all the time. I just wish I could give them what they deserve. I
know what is happening is not a reflection on our parenting or anything that is
in our control, but I think all parents want better for their kids than what
they had for themselves. It is hard realizing I cannot give that to my kids
because they have already seen, heard, and felt too much! I am forever grateful
for the fact that Mac is doing so amazingly well but most days feel like it is
not good enough for him.
We will never know
what caused this cancer or how long Mac had lived with it before it was found.
We will never understand why there are so little resources and funding for
these little heroes that smile and laugh through their horrific journeys. But I
do know it has forever changed me and my entire family. I only wish I could say it was for the better.
Mac is scheduled for his next MRI on September 5th.
Please keep him in your prayers.
Thank you for following and allowing me to get out my
thoughts and feelings.
STUPID CANCER!! It really is so unfair on so many levels - to Mac, to Liam, to you and your husband! The amount of funding for childhood cancer is so low it makes me want to scream!
ReplyDeleteTake this free time you have to take care of YOU! If it means crying, then that is okay too. Be kind to yourself - you too have been through hell and back. Oh - and a lot of chocolate helps too =)
Nancy =)
Rebecca, Not that this will make you feel any better but EVERY WORD that you wrote is exactly how I feel!! When Sawyer's not here I cry and just can't believe that this is really happening. At 8 yrs old he's been through more than most adults will ever go through and he never has asked "why me" or complained about the "everyday life" of cancer that most people don't have a clue about. He has to go to an indoor pool to swim because he can't be in the sun due to his chemo, he can't ride the go carts at the putt putt place because he has a port in his chest for toxic medication to be administered into, he has to have blood work done every week and be stuck with needles, he can't run or climb with the other kids at recess because his right leg is weak and causing him difficulty just to walk, and has asked me to help him pull up his underwear because he doesn't have the strength in his right hand to do it himself. His evening activities have to revolve around medication times, which have to be done consistantly, with food, without food, an hour before a meal, 2 hours after a meal and after taking all that you can usually bet he'll be on the toilet the next morning for almost an hour with diarrhea because of the meds! And oh by the way, these meds MIGHT work MIGHT NOT, we won't know for another agonizing three months when we have the dreaded MRI where as the parent you sit with your stomach in your throat waiting for the results and trying to read the faces of the staff to see if you can get a feeling of what the results may be, all this while having the poker face on for your child who is sitting there without a clue these results are a huge part of what his future may be. I guess the only good thing is they are so young that they don't know exactly how "bad of a word" CANCER is, so they don't know to be afraid, thank God! Two years ago I THOUGHT I had problems...you know, getting the laundry done, going to the grocery store, getting to the bank before they close,worrying about money, blah blah blah! In one day with an MRI of my child's brain, EVERYTHING CHANGED! Now I try not to sweat the small stuff and IT'S ALL small stuff now! I live in the childhood brain tumor/cancer world now because once you're here you can't leave. I've met alot of kind people in this "elite group" and just knowing you're not alone in this battle is so comforting. Enjoy your down time by yourself, you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. Praying for you and your family, Kelley :)
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