July

July has proven to be much more of a roller coaster of emotions than I ever expected. I knew the 4th of July would be difficult. It was the first major holiday without Mac. We got up early and I drove Liam and Billy to drop them off for the parade in town Liam was participating in. As soon as I drove away the tears started. I found myself kneeling at Mac’s grave sobbing loudly. This past Saturday we finally had the birthday party Liam has been patiently waiting for since last April. I was so busy getting ready for it I thought I was managing my emotions. That was until I found myself alone in my car running an errand. The tears came uncontrollably again. I have begun to recognize some of my triggers but know I will never know all of them. At a recent wedding I was having a great time. They started the father- daughter dance and suddenly I found myself on the verge of an anxiety attack. I went out to get some air knowing what came next. I would never be able to stand there and watch a mother –son dance without having a complete meltdown. We are on a new journey now, but much like Mac’s journey with cancer this one does not come with a roadmap either. Mac’s birthday is next Monday. He should be turning 8 years old. Instead of singing happy birthday and buying him presents we will be sending him balloons in heaven. I believe in my heart that Mac is in a better place. I know I will see him again and until that moment I have decided to get up every morning with 2 goals for myself for the day. The first is to get through the day so that at the end of it I can feel like Mac is looking down on me proud to say I am his mom. The second is to get through the day without Liam ever feeling for one minute like he is not enough. I get up each day and continue moving forward. Some days are easier than others, but I have no choice. I have 2 boys that need their mother. On July 22nd please try to take one moment to think of both Liam and Mac. Say a quiet happy birthday to Mac and ask that he watch over his brother as we struggle to get through the first birthday without him.