July

July has proven to be much more of a roller coaster of emotions than I ever expected. I knew the 4th of July would be difficult. It was the first major holiday without Mac. We got up early and I drove Liam and Billy to drop them off for the parade in town Liam was participating in. As soon as I drove away the tears started. I found myself kneeling at Mac’s grave sobbing loudly. This past Saturday we finally had the birthday party Liam has been patiently waiting for since last April. I was so busy getting ready for it I thought I was managing my emotions. That was until I found myself alone in my car running an errand. The tears came uncontrollably again. I have begun to recognize some of my triggers but know I will never know all of them. At a recent wedding I was having a great time. They started the father- daughter dance and suddenly I found myself on the verge of an anxiety attack. I went out to get some air knowing what came next. I would never be able to stand there and watch a mother –son dance without having a complete meltdown. We are on a new journey now, but much like Mac’s journey with cancer this one does not come with a roadmap either. Mac’s birthday is next Monday. He should be turning 8 years old. Instead of singing happy birthday and buying him presents we will be sending him balloons in heaven. I believe in my heart that Mac is in a better place. I know I will see him again and until that moment I have decided to get up every morning with 2 goals for myself for the day. The first is to get through the day so that at the end of it I can feel like Mac is looking down on me proud to say I am his mom. The second is to get through the day without Liam ever feeling for one minute like he is not enough. I get up each day and continue moving forward. Some days are easier than others, but I have no choice. I have 2 boys that need their mother. On July 22nd please try to take one moment to think of both Liam and Mac. Say a quiet happy birthday to Mac and ask that he watch over his brother as we struggle to get through the first birthday without him.

07/01/2013

It has been awhile since I have posted on here. The truth is I am not really sure what to write anymore now that I have no updates to post about Mac. We are adjusting to life without him, and with the start of July so many emotions have begun to flood through me. July is the month we have always taken our family vacation, Mac has always loved the 4th of July, and on the 22nd we will celebrate what would have been his 8th birthday. When I say I miss him terribly it does not begin to describe how much I ache to hug him, here is voice and kiss him while he rolls his eyes at me. I have accepted that my heart is broken and will be forever. I am so blessed to have so many amazing friends who allow be to talk about Mac while they listen and share their own stories. I am blessed to have Liam who has shown me what true faith is about. I will continue to talk to Mac each day; I just wish he were here to answer me. I know he is with me, watching out for me. I draw my strength from that knowledge, but there are days I would give anything to have one more moment with him. I believe there was a reason he was chosen to carry such a big burden on his little shoulders and I believe he is happy hanging out with his Papa now, because the truth is if I didn’t all of the pain we are feeling right now would be for nothing and that is just not something I could live with.