06/11/2013

I cannot believe a whole month has gone by since I last held and kissed my baby. When he was diagnosed I tried so hard to only cry when I was alone so as not to scare either of the boys. I know he is with me when I cry now. Especially during those times when I lay on his bed clutching his favorite Iron Man sweatshirt in one hand and the radiation mask he wore that is molded in the shape of his face in the other, crying so hard I lose my breath and feel sick to my stomach. I know he hears me when through sobs I cry out for help to have the strength to not only go on without him but live in a way he would be proud to say I am his mom. The last month seems so long I cannot imagine what a lifetime of missing him will feel like. I am so grateful to have such an amazing group of friends and family who would give up their Sunday to walk in his honor, donate in his memory, and most importantly not only allow me to keep talking about him but to have never stopped saying his name in front of me. For that I can never thank you enough and because of that I know I will get through this and come out the other side forever changed but not forever bitter. The world has continued to go on regardless of our grief but to have so many people surround us who stop and drop everything and allow their world to pause for a moment to hold me up when I am falling and hug me even when I push them away is a gift I can never repay. Thank you to all of you who have accepted the “new me” with open arms and have helped us to honor Mac over the last month and hopefully will continue to over the many years to come.

06/06/2013

Well, Tuesday will mark the 1 month of life without Mac. I miss him more and more with each passing moment. It truly has been a roller coaster of emotions. I go from fully functioning to being unable to breath from sobbing so hard to back to functioning in a matter of moments. Our house is so different without him here. I have been busy trying to make plans to keep Liam busy all summer so that the loss of his best friend and confidant is not apparent every moment of every day, but that is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone. We are walking in the Floating Hospital Harbor Walk on Sunday. I am overwhelmed by the number of people who have signed up to walk with us in honor of Mac. I am not quite sure how I will feel that day though; seeing so many of the people who have become integral parts of our lives throughout Mac’s treatment but we no longer see. Last year we walked as a family. Mac was right out of inpatient chemo, but we were together. This year I know Mac will be with us, but I miss his physical presence. I hope he sees how many people are there walking to honor him and the way he lived is life. I hope he sees how very proud I am to have been chosen to be his mom. Most importantly, I hope he knows that even with all the hurt and heartache I feel now, if given the choice to do it all over again, knowing how painful it would hurt in the end, I would say yes in a heartbeat because every moment with him was worth it. There is still time to join the Super Mac Attacks on Sunday or make a donation. 100% of all donations will go to the Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Clinic. The link is below: http://www.harborwalkrun.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.asp?ievent=1059496&lis=1&kntae1059496=C84098F6D61B4371A5CAECC6624D8F03&team=5447416