Today is the one year anniversary of the discovery of Mac's brain tumor. I
thought the day would come and go and be just like all the other days of our
lives over the past year. But, for the first time in a while I feel like I am
not ok. We had a rough start to the day and perhaps that is what is making me
feel like I have no control over my life and am not even doing very well
managing it.
Mac went in to Boston for another round of chemo. All of his
numbers looked good but he has a double ear infection. So on top of all of his
regular meds he is now also on ear drops and an antibiotic. I decided last
night to keep him home today because he is exhausted and I wanted to get a full
24 hrs. of antibiotic in him before exposing him to the germs of school. I
thought I was so on top of things this morning. I had all of his meds ready so
once his overnight feed ended I gave him all his meds. I have no idea what I
was bed. The tears and screaming started and Mac got up and headed to the
bathroom. He took a few steps in; I heard a loud noise and louder screaming. I
ran to find him flat on his back. He had slipped. Any parent knows the fear
when they walk into a bathroom to find their child flat on their back, when
that child also has a brain tumor the fear is indescribable.
Mac seems to have recovered. He took a long bath and will
get his meds again shortly. Once I know he can keep them down. Some days I wish
I had a child’s ability to rebound so quickly. Today will be one of those days
that everything will make me cry. I cry for so many reasons and on most days
accept this path we are on and just try to do my best to give my kids the best
life I can given our situation, but today I am a little angry. Angry Mac is
going through this, angry that Liam is so used to it that he doesn’t even
flinch when he hears his brother getting sick, angry that we cannot be a normal
family. So today, on this one year anniversary, I will have a little pity party
for myself then pick myself back up, administer meds, give Mac lunch in his
feeding tube, and continue to pray for a miracle.
Becky,
ReplyDeleteI thought of you all this morning as I got ready for work.
A year ago, I remember being in Florida. I recall my father picking me up very, very, very early from my evening spent at Auntie Candy's house, and I returned to my parents to shower and get ready for a day at Alligator Alley with them. I got out of the shower, and my mother was on the phone in tears. When she got off and told my father and I what was going on, I just remember the feelings for Mac, and all of you. We were stunned.
"No, It can't be bad...Mac will be okay...we spoke to him on the phone yesterday when we were at Nana's house celebrating her birthday...how did this all happen in 24 hours?"
How I wish that the news was better. I wish that you all received a better outcome than what was given. I wish, really, that the day never even happened. Like we could just travel back in time, and cross January 17 2012 from the calendar. And I'm not you. You bear the biggest burden of all, next to Mac. So I can't begin to imagine how you feel.
So, I think you have the right idea on how to spend today. It's okay to be mad at the world today. January 17th just plain old sucks.
My love and thoughts are with you all today. Eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Marathon some crappy TV and just have a "F-you life" kind of day. Know why? Because you can.
Hugs to you all. I hate January 17th.
Becky...I don't usually comment on your blog ,but do faithfully read every one of them and they tear at my heart to think of what you and your family have had to deal with this past year, and mostly of what Mac has had to go through...
ReplyDeleteI like Carragh and everyone remember this day when this horrendous news came to you and your family....Becky you deserve to have yourself a pity party and cry all you need to!!!! You also have all the right in the world to be angry that this terrible thing called CANCER has come into your beautiful family and the most amazing strong young man!!! You are an amazing mother and I can not even imagine what it's like to be you, but what I do know is that you have soooo many family and friends who love you and think and pray for all of you all the time..I am sorry that all I have are words and a hug when I do get to see you, but just know this...I wish that this January 17, 2102 never happened and pray for Mac's miracle because I do believe in them...
You are all in my thoughts and prayer's
Love you all
Auntie Pam