October 10, 2012

I am completely drained after today’s visit at the hospital, but in a good way. It was a long ride in this morning. It took us a little over 2 hours with traffic, but Mac fell asleep for a bit which was good. He is so tired lately. Our first appointment was with GI. We talked for a bit and they are changing his prescription from Pepcid to something I can’t pronounce and then we will go back next Wednesday for an ultrasound of his abdomen and scope to see if there is anything going on in there causing his daily vomiting. From there we went to our next appointment for his psych evaluation. We had a little trouble finding it and when someone asked me if I needed help I told them the floor and wing I was looking for. She said “That’s the psych ward” with a weird look on her face. I just said “That’s what we are looking for”.  Finally, we stumbled upon it. I have been seeing someone about my feelings about Mac’s diagnosis, but it was a whole different ballgame having Mac with me. I have to say I could not have been more impressed with this psychiatrist. We started talking about what Mac was like prior to diagnosis, and then the topic changed to school. I was explaining how he was in first grade when his tears started flowing. I explained how Mac was still struggling with the idea of repeating grade 1. Mac was able to tell him that he was sad about staying in first grade. Through a series of question he was able to get from Mac that is has nightmares that do not wake him up but scare him. Somehow, Mac ended up sitting on my lap crying and communicated that he is scared most of the time about something happening to him but was not able to yet share the specific fear. I have never felt so heartbroken, sitting with tears in my eyes, with my baby on my lap crying uncontrollably and hurting so much inside. I cannot say for sure what Mac is afraid of but I know my own fears. I guess up to this point I was living in la la land thinking because he was only 7 he would not think about the future or begin to worry if he even had one. His psychiatrist explained that just like we are going through the mourning process for the normal life we wanted for Mac, he too, is mourning the life he used to have. I guess up until recently I have been so focused on his physical needs that I did not think about the complexity of emotions he is struggling with. I have read the poem “What Cancer Cannot Do” a hundred times. Cancer has broken my heart, made me feel sadness and fear to my core, but it has also shown me just what an incredible gift my children have been to me and allowed me to see the beauty in the everyday mundane things in life I used to take for granted. The sight of seeing my boys sitting on the floor playing a game and laughing, talking and even arguing a bit has become one of the most beautiful sights in our home. I am thankful for every moment we have together, it is such a shame in life how it usually takes such a tragedy for us to realize and really see the beauty in our lives.