September 16, 2012

I’m not really sure where to start this post because I am happy to say we don’t have much going on. We are starting to fall into regular routines with the start of school. I am having a hard time finding ways to keep my mind off things while the boys are at school. There is plenty of housework to do but can’t seem to motivate myself to do it. I am really enjoying out time together after school though. I LOVE that I can now sit down with Liam every afternoon and really do his homework with him. Previously, I would be busy doing schoolwork and would check it over quickly. We actually sit together, just the two of us, and talk about his day and what he is working on. I never realized how much I was missing that one on one time with him. I also have been thinking a lot about how much our life has changed and although there are many times I feel I will be completely engulfed in my pain and sadness over the loss of the childhoods both my kids are missing, just those few minutes a day with Liam seem to rejuvenate me. I am so thankful and blessed that I have him in my life. He has a way of teaching me about gratitude without even knowing it.

Mac is really adjusting well to school. He seems to be finding it easier and easier to go in the mornings.  I am shocked at his stamina and energy. After all he has been through I thought he would have a harder time getting through the school days. We are going into Boston this Wednesday to change out his g-tube button. The one he has now has started to leak a bit and is getting gross. I am hoping it will be a quick trip since we do not need to go to clinic for a couple weeks!

It’s hard for me to say how I am doing. It all depends on what moment of the day you are asking. Every day I go through a roller coaster of emotions. I get so sad at times when Mac struggles to do things that used to come so easy to him or I can see on his face how badly he wants to eat one of his favorite foods that taste just awful to him now. I am so happy at other times when I think back to all that he has been through and the awe inspiring courage he has shown. I am grateful I was chosen to be the mom of two boys that have taught me more about life then I could have ever dreamed to teach them. But mostly I am scared. Scared for what tomorrow might look like for our family, scared for what may or may not happen. I wish I was one of those people who lived in the moment with no thought to the future. I think this is the only way to truly enjoy and be grateful for each new day that we have together and at home. This is my new mission, to try to look at my children and see not two kids who have been robbed of the innocence and naivety that is childhood, but to see the two people in the world who have knowledge beyond their years and the ability to make my day or break my heart with just one little look.  Mac carries the physical scars of cancer while Liam carries the emotional ones. I will never understand why our family was chosen for this journey, but when I look at them and hear their laughter it gives me the hope that we can come through it.