Christmas

Christmas has arrived. I had hoped that what little Christmas spirit I had a month ago would gradually increase. That did not happen. I find myself going through the motions of wrapping gifts and baking cookies when all I really want to do is crawl under my blankets and wake up when it is all over. Nothing is the same without Mac. By this time I should have heard him sing “Santa’s coming tonight tonight. Santa’s coming tonight” at least a hundred times. It seems when I lost by son I also lost the joy and innocence this holiday should bring with it. I somehow got through wrapping Liam’s gifts last night. It is heart wrenching to see only half the number of gifts then there should be. The realization that we no longer had to write names on the gifts to tell who’s was who is yet another reminder of how much we have lost. Billy found our video camera while cleaning out one of the closets. I sat and watched Mac from Christmases past open gifts. His enthusiasm was contagious. My heart breaks into tiny pieces every time the realization hits that I will never see that smiling face with the sparkle of mischief in his eye again. I am again reminded of how perfect our life was once and that we will never feel that happiness again because someone is always missing. This year there is nothing happy about this holiday or merry about our Christmas. I am just trying to get through it. January 17th will bring the 2 year anniversary of Mac’s diagnosis. Please this year take a minute to forget about all the stuff you could not get or all the messes and fighting your children do to just be grateful for them. There are so many families hurting this holiday because of the loss of a child. Pray for us all to be able to breath and put one foot in front of the other.