What SHOULD be Mac's 9th birthday...

I have not written on here in so long. For so many months this was my therapy. This allowed me to get out all of my emotions without having to actually vocalize them. As Mac’s 9th birthday approaches I have found myself back on here. I have so many emotions driving through me right now. I keep asking myself how one celebrates the birthday of an angel. How does one celebrate the life of one of the greatest teachers in your life when it was ripped away from you after only 7 short years? I should be spending the day baking a cake for him. I should be wrapping gifts and planning a party. Instead I find myself brought to my knees in pain and longing to just hold him one more time. To tell him how sorry I am for all the pain he had to endure. To tell him how much I miss him and love him. Tomorrow Billy, Liam and I will go to the cemetery to bring him a balloon and birthday candle. We will be forever grateful to have had him in our lives for even a short period of time. Then I will get SO angry because it was not enough. Birthdays are meant to celebrate life. We are so fortunate to be able to do that tomorrow night along with so many family and friends while raising money to honor Mac through a scholarship at St. Margaret School. As we journey through this 2nd year without Mac the reality of life without him is hitting me hard. I will never recover from his loss. I will never be able to give Liam the life he deserves because a carefree childhood for him is forever lost. I will never be the wife, mother aunt or friend I was before. Mac took a piece of my heart with him and I will never get it back. As you go through your day tomorrow please take a moment to whisper a happy birthday to Mac and ask him to send us all a little extra strength to get through it without him.

Memories of Mac

Every day this past year has been difficult without Mac. We have our memories of him, of his strength in the last 16 months of his life, and all of the special qualities that made him unique throughout his 7 years of life.

Mom, Dad and Liam have remained incredibly strong throughout the year. During holidays or other family gatherings, we talk about Mac, we laugh about things he used to do or say, and we know he is with us in a way...just not the way we'd want him to be.

As Mac's auntie and godmother, I would like to do something in remembrance and honor of him on the one-year anniversary of his passing, May 11. Could I ask for your help?

Please, by May 1, send stories, pictures, anything that you would like to share with the Connor family about Mac and how he touched your life. Whether you had the wonderful opportunity of spending time with Mac, or simply heard about him through family members and friends, please send a story.

Send all of these special memories to supermacstories@gmail.com and I'll make sure that Mom, Dad and Liam get each and every one. Please spread the word to others who may want to contribute to this remembrance book.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.

New Year

Today we said hello to the year 2014 and goodbye to 2013. As I look back on 2013 I see a year filled with more tears than I ever knew I had in me. I remember January 17, 2013 when we recognized the 1 year anniversary of Mac’s diagnosis. This was also the day that we knew meant he had lived halfway through the average lifespan of his diagnosis of 2 years. We learned his tumor was no longer responding to his treatment and scheduled his 3rd brain surgery. We also had the privilege of working with Make-A-Wish to go on our one and only trip with just the 4 of us to meet Robert Downey, Jr. His smiles from that trip will forever bring me peace. Knowing that he was able to meet the one person in the world he most wanted to fills my heart with joy and peace. We will forever be grateful to Robert Downey, Jr. and his whole team for moving so quickly and being so compassionate in fulfilling Mac’s dream. Never in my life would I have imagined starting a new year without one of my sons. Saying goodbye to Mac in 2013 was the single most devastating day of my life. I can still feel the pain in my heart as I think back to the very last kiss I was able to give him. The year of 2013 brought so many unwelcomed changes to our family. I pray for the strength and peace to keep going each day and new ways to honor Mac’s life in 2014. May you all find your new year filled with peace, love, health and happiness.

Christmas

Christmas has arrived. I had hoped that what little Christmas spirit I had a month ago would gradually increase. That did not happen. I find myself going through the motions of wrapping gifts and baking cookies when all I really want to do is crawl under my blankets and wake up when it is all over. Nothing is the same without Mac. By this time I should have heard him sing “Santa’s coming tonight tonight. Santa’s coming tonight” at least a hundred times. It seems when I lost by son I also lost the joy and innocence this holiday should bring with it. I somehow got through wrapping Liam’s gifts last night. It is heart wrenching to see only half the number of gifts then there should be. The realization that we no longer had to write names on the gifts to tell who’s was who is yet another reminder of how much we have lost. Billy found our video camera while cleaning out one of the closets. I sat and watched Mac from Christmases past open gifts. His enthusiasm was contagious. My heart breaks into tiny pieces every time the realization hits that I will never see that smiling face with the sparkle of mischief in his eye again. I am again reminded of how perfect our life was once and that we will never feel that happiness again because someone is always missing. This year there is nothing happy about this holiday or merry about our Christmas. I am just trying to get through it. January 17th will bring the 2 year anniversary of Mac’s diagnosis. Please this year take a minute to forget about all the stuff you could not get or all the messes and fighting your children do to just be grateful for them. There are so many families hurting this holiday because of the loss of a child. Pray for us all to be able to breath and put one foot in front of the other.

A letter to my son

My beloved son, Today marks 6 months since I last held you. It has been 6 months since I held your hand as you passed from this life to the next. Six months since I felt your last heartbeat. Six months since our family has been whole. Nothing is the same without you. Our house is void of genuine joy. Where you used to be now is just loss and pain. I wake up every morning and as I open my eyes and look through my doorway, down the hall to your empty bed the pain hits again and again. I am so afraid to forget your smell, the way you felt when you would wrap your arms around me and hug me as tight as you could, and the way the sparkle in your eye would always give you away when you were up to your mischievous ways. We are each dealing in our own ways but are far from getting through this journey with an ounce of the courage you showed in your short life. I would give anything to have you back. You were the best of our family and without you we are lost. Things that used to be so easy like eating and sleeping no longer come easily. Just getting through the day is a daunting task without you here with us. I am a broken shell of a person without your physical presence to teach us how to live each day letting only the truly important things matter. I feel like our family is now a triangle trying to fit into a square peg. Nothing feels right anymore. Please watch over us and guide us through this last leg of your journey. You will forever be one of the loves of my life. I hope you can feel my love where you are and know how very blessed I am to have been chosen to be your mom. You are one of my greatest accomplishments. “I will love your forever, as long as I’m living my baby you will be.” I love you! XOXO Mom

Halloween :(

It has been a very long time since my last post. I have been putting all of my energy into putting once foot in front of the other each day and trying to just make it through the day. Some moments are easier than others but with Halloween approaching it has brought on a new level of grief. Halloween was always Mac’s favorite holiday. He was driving force behind our choice of costumes and the excitement over decorating, getting dressed up and the sheer joy on his face on Halloween morning was one of the greatest memories I have of him. I still have a hard time believing I will never see that smile again. I will never spend hours with him looking at costumes online, while he changes his mind a hundred times until finally deciding on the perfect one. I hate that this year instead of buying him a costume with all of the accessories we are buying things to put around his stone at the cemetery. I am doing my best to get excited now that Liam has finally decided to dress up, but it is so difficult with a piece of my heart missing. The physical pain of missing him some days is overwhelming. Liam has not yet decided if he wants to go trick-or-treating, but in all honesty, I am not sure I have the strength to go with him if he decides he does. Liam has been incredible. He has been the heart of our family for the past 5 months. He misses his brother and is able to talk about him, but has not yet decided he wants to talk about the pain he is feeling with me. Our family is broken and we will never again be who we used to be. Halloween marks the beginning of our first holiday season with Mac. The pain and anxiety over the anticipation of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without him is unbearable. I would give anything for just one more day with him to hold him, tell him how proud I am of him, and how much I love him.

Back to School

It has been a long time since I have posted on the blog. I am hoping that if I post some of my feelings over the past couple of weeks it will help to get me out of the funk I am in. I have been so emotional the past couple of weeks, breaking down into tears several times a day. It has been so hard to go the “back to school” shopping with only 1 supply list, one person to buy new sneakers for, and one person to talk up the new school year to. I came across the photo I had taken of the boys last year on their first day of school. They both looked so happy. I guess I always knew in the back of my mind that it was possible that it would be Mac’s last day of school, but had no idea of the heartbreak that would accompany the start of a new school year without him. Each day that brings us closer to Liam’s first day of school, I get deeper and deeper into this dark place I find myself. I am so exhausted at the end of every day. I wake up and for a split second and feel ok. Then it hits. Mac is gone. I spend the rest of the day trying to put the million pieces of my heart back together, knowing one piece will never be found, while at the same time trying to pretend that I can actually handle this life. I know that Mac is now out of pain and in a far more wonderful place than I could ever imagine, but I miss him so much and he took with him his smile, his laugh, and his mischievous grin that can never be replaced. I thought the hardest think I would ever have to do was to tell Mac that it was ok for him to go, that when the angels came for him to take him home to go. I am now finding that living without him his by far the most excruciatingly painful experience.