Halloween :(

It has been a very long time since my last post. I have been putting all of my energy into putting once foot in front of the other each day and trying to just make it through the day. Some moments are easier than others but with Halloween approaching it has brought on a new level of grief. Halloween was always Mac’s favorite holiday. He was driving force behind our choice of costumes and the excitement over decorating, getting dressed up and the sheer joy on his face on Halloween morning was one of the greatest memories I have of him. I still have a hard time believing I will never see that smile again. I will never spend hours with him looking at costumes online, while he changes his mind a hundred times until finally deciding on the perfect one. I hate that this year instead of buying him a costume with all of the accessories we are buying things to put around his stone at the cemetery. I am doing my best to get excited now that Liam has finally decided to dress up, but it is so difficult with a piece of my heart missing. The physical pain of missing him some days is overwhelming. Liam has not yet decided if he wants to go trick-or-treating, but in all honesty, I am not sure I have the strength to go with him if he decides he does. Liam has been incredible. He has been the heart of our family for the past 5 months. He misses his brother and is able to talk about him, but has not yet decided he wants to talk about the pain he is feeling with me. Our family is broken and we will never again be who we used to be. Halloween marks the beginning of our first holiday season with Mac. The pain and anxiety over the anticipation of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without him is unbearable. I would give anything for just one more day with him to hold him, tell him how proud I am of him, and how much I love him.