Back to School

It has been a long time since I have posted on the blog. I am hoping that if I post some of my feelings over the past couple of weeks it will help to get me out of the funk I am in. I have been so emotional the past couple of weeks, breaking down into tears several times a day. It has been so hard to go the “back to school” shopping with only 1 supply list, one person to buy new sneakers for, and one person to talk up the new school year to. I came across the photo I had taken of the boys last year on their first day of school. They both looked so happy. I guess I always knew in the back of my mind that it was possible that it would be Mac’s last day of school, but had no idea of the heartbreak that would accompany the start of a new school year without him. Each day that brings us closer to Liam’s first day of school, I get deeper and deeper into this dark place I find myself. I am so exhausted at the end of every day. I wake up and for a split second and feel ok. Then it hits. Mac is gone. I spend the rest of the day trying to put the million pieces of my heart back together, knowing one piece will never be found, while at the same time trying to pretend that I can actually handle this life. I know that Mac is now out of pain and in a far more wonderful place than I could ever imagine, but I miss him so much and he took with him his smile, his laugh, and his mischievous grin that can never be replaced. I thought the hardest think I would ever have to do was to tell Mac that it was ok for him to go, that when the angels came for him to take him home to go. I am now finding that living without him his by far the most excruciatingly painful experience.